Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
