apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I supernannyed him into submission
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
