I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize