To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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