I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
