Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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