I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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