Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize