I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
how does that bad decision feel?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
