This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
