your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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