dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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