you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
