I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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