Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
