I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
