There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize