But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
