Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
