I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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