No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
