theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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