I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
