Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
