im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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