Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
