im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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