Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
