i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
