I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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