Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
