Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
