I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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