No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
