Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
