i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
