the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
