I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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