I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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