I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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