how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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