At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
