college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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