do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you had me at cake vodka
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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