So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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