Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
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