I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
