Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
