Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
