just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
