In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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