I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just invented taco cereal.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
