I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
