you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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