Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize