all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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