Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
