I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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